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Remember that chop wood carry water stuff? Well, it's like that only in relation to mamahood... I am seeking the Zen in washing diapers and making bottles. Who knows, it could happen!
Tuesday, July 29, 2003
I feel a little pressure from the ambitious title and description I have given my blogg… to write about things which are more peaceful and soothing that the things I have been writing about. Like I should be making this into a gratitude journal or into something inspirational instead of the place I dump my stress or just the details of life’s comings and goings. I guess, for me that IS how I find the Zen though, I need this outlet in order to savor those things that ARE beautiful and Zen-like in my day. I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you’re disappointed by my lack of insight, rest assured that I am feeling something similar. I’m just not really sure how to fix it, but I’ll let you know if I come up with anything. I just can’t force something that simply isn’t THERE, you know?
Things have been really busy lately, but it’s a good kind of busy and nothing I really mind. Don’t tell anyone this, but I had the BEST time cleaning the apartment on Sunday… five hours all by myself in absolute quiet!!!!! I can’t even tell you how good that felt. Since we’ve gotten Ruby I make a lot more trips by myself, but it’s not the same thing as having a space of my own that’s quiet. I guess it’s that whole, a room of ones own concept that Virginia Wolf wrote about. Anyway, I got all of these brownie points for doing the apartment all by myself after unpacking and organizing the house by myself, when really it was my absolute pleasure to do it. Call it cleaning therapy, but it was so nice having uninterrupted quiet time to really think about things. So much has been zooming around in my head it was nice to really get some things settled… know what I mean?
Last night Angie attacked the back porch, and while she didn’t finish it… it’s really getting there. How nice will that be, to have the entire house organized? That’s only happened one other time, in the townhouse and then we moved shortly after. I know were here for a good while so we should be able to enjoy this a little more. There’s just something so draining in having all of that clutter and mess, it was really freaking me out… and let me tell you, there’s nothing like the absolute Zen feeling that comes when you feel like your house is really in harmony. I got rid of SO MUCH STUFF, and we’ll never miss it but we still were clinging on to it for whatever reason.
We’re going to the lake tonight, I just have that feeling like I need to swim, I guess it’s that whole baptismal cleansing thing (ok maybe not) but sometimes I just NEED to be underwater. My mom used to call me a water baby because so often that was all that would make me happy, it’s just a part of who I am I guess… I need the water. It makes me feel so rejuvenated and peaceful. Unlike right now, when I feel a little frustrated that Ruby is now crying (AGAIN) so I am going to have to go.
Happy Tuesday all!
Things have been really busy lately, but it’s a good kind of busy and nothing I really mind. Don’t tell anyone this, but I had the BEST time cleaning the apartment on Sunday… five hours all by myself in absolute quiet!!!!! I can’t even tell you how good that felt. Since we’ve gotten Ruby I make a lot more trips by myself, but it’s not the same thing as having a space of my own that’s quiet. I guess it’s that whole, a room of ones own concept that Virginia Wolf wrote about. Anyway, I got all of these brownie points for doing the apartment all by myself after unpacking and organizing the house by myself, when really it was my absolute pleasure to do it. Call it cleaning therapy, but it was so nice having uninterrupted quiet time to really think about things. So much has been zooming around in my head it was nice to really get some things settled… know what I mean?
Last night Angie attacked the back porch, and while she didn’t finish it… it’s really getting there. How nice will that be, to have the entire house organized? That’s only happened one other time, in the townhouse and then we moved shortly after. I know were here for a good while so we should be able to enjoy this a little more. There’s just something so draining in having all of that clutter and mess, it was really freaking me out… and let me tell you, there’s nothing like the absolute Zen feeling that comes when you feel like your house is really in harmony. I got rid of SO MUCH STUFF, and we’ll never miss it but we still were clinging on to it for whatever reason.
We’re going to the lake tonight, I just have that feeling like I need to swim, I guess it’s that whole baptismal cleansing thing (ok maybe not) but sometimes I just NEED to be underwater. My mom used to call me a water baby because so often that was all that would make me happy, it’s just a part of who I am I guess… I need the water. It makes me feel so rejuvenated and peaceful. Unlike right now, when I feel a little frustrated that Ruby is now crying (AGAIN) so I am going to have to go.
Happy Tuesday all!
Sunday, July 27, 2003
Drink, Drank, Druuuunk!
Holy CRAP, we had quite the book group last night! I have basically given up drinking as a regular form of ‘entertainment’, in fact I can count on two fingers the number of times I have imbibed in the past four or five months. So, I am not sure what happened at book group last night, but I certainly had more that enough of the old jagermeister. That stuff is tricky and so I became very drunk very fast and that really wasn’t something I had any intention of doing… ever again really. It didn’t help that I had been cleaning all day (the whole house is DONE now… excluding the back porch, which I think I will get to today because the garage is open now) and so I only had a tomato for lunch and then wasn’t really hungry for dinner either. I made up for it calorie wise with the booze but there was nothing to really soak up anything I was drinking which lead to my downfall.
We had a good time though, a really good time! I guess I have had so much on my mind lately that I needed a release, and I certainly had one. The actual book group part of the evening was sort of lame, nobody had finished the book because it was long and boring and poorly written, there were all of these new people and so we were working on chemistry and stuff which was weird… it’ll totally get better but I was glad it was short and over fast. We picked a good book for next month though, “Angry Housewives Eating Bon Bon’s” which has GOT to be better than “A Death in Texas’!!!! Everyone LEFT their copies of the book here so I am going to wrap them up and deliver them to Sonya at work since she picked the book. Anyway as book club ended Bethany and Mason left with the friends they had brought and their children, and then my sister took off which left Sonya, Shelly, Margie, Emily, Nicole, Angie and I. This turned out to be the perfect mix for a night of bust your gut laughter, singing, dancing, and a whole lot of mischief. If you’re in your early 20’s, try not to picture us because we did not have anywhere near the kind of good time that you probably would have had.
Margie’s friend Emily is JUST the kind of person I want around when I am drinking because she’s totally insane… she was talking about how each number, letter and day of the week has a corresponding color in her head. I almost fell of the porch laughing at her, she’s so WEIRD but when you’re all juiced up it’s just totally funny. Also, Shellie was good times because we both went to the same high school (she and my sister were in the same class) and so we were singing country songs and teaching people how to swing dance in the living room. We kept falling over toys that the babies got out earlier though; I guess it never occurred to anyone to PICK them up. Anyway it’s tough to explain WHY it was so much fun but I haven’t laughed so hard in ages.
And now, just what I WANT to do right now, I must go clean out our apartment so we can turn in the keys! WOOWOO good times for sure!
Take Care.
Holy CRAP, we had quite the book group last night! I have basically given up drinking as a regular form of ‘entertainment’, in fact I can count on two fingers the number of times I have imbibed in the past four or five months. So, I am not sure what happened at book group last night, but I certainly had more that enough of the old jagermeister. That stuff is tricky and so I became very drunk very fast and that really wasn’t something I had any intention of doing… ever again really. It didn’t help that I had been cleaning all day (the whole house is DONE now… excluding the back porch, which I think I will get to today because the garage is open now) and so I only had a tomato for lunch and then wasn’t really hungry for dinner either. I made up for it calorie wise with the booze but there was nothing to really soak up anything I was drinking which lead to my downfall.
We had a good time though, a really good time! I guess I have had so much on my mind lately that I needed a release, and I certainly had one. The actual book group part of the evening was sort of lame, nobody had finished the book because it was long and boring and poorly written, there were all of these new people and so we were working on chemistry and stuff which was weird… it’ll totally get better but I was glad it was short and over fast. We picked a good book for next month though, “Angry Housewives Eating Bon Bon’s” which has GOT to be better than “A Death in Texas’!!!! Everyone LEFT their copies of the book here so I am going to wrap them up and deliver them to Sonya at work since she picked the book. Anyway as book club ended Bethany and Mason left with the friends they had brought and their children, and then my sister took off which left Sonya, Shelly, Margie, Emily, Nicole, Angie and I. This turned out to be the perfect mix for a night of bust your gut laughter, singing, dancing, and a whole lot of mischief. If you’re in your early 20’s, try not to picture us because we did not have anywhere near the kind of good time that you probably would have had.
Margie’s friend Emily is JUST the kind of person I want around when I am drinking because she’s totally insane… she was talking about how each number, letter and day of the week has a corresponding color in her head. I almost fell of the porch laughing at her, she’s so WEIRD but when you’re all juiced up it’s just totally funny. Also, Shellie was good times because we both went to the same high school (she and my sister were in the same class) and so we were singing country songs and teaching people how to swing dance in the living room. We kept falling over toys that the babies got out earlier though; I guess it never occurred to anyone to PICK them up. Anyway it’s tough to explain WHY it was so much fun but I haven’t laughed so hard in ages.
And now, just what I WANT to do right now, I must go clean out our apartment so we can turn in the keys! WOOWOO good times for sure!
Take Care.
Friday, July 25, 2003
I’ve finally made some really good headway on getting our new house in order, and let me tell you it feels great!! When we first moved in I worked really hard to get the living room/dining room/Kitchen areas clean so that we could live without chaos in at least part of our lives, but then I guess we were just plain tired from the move and the babies and we sort of left the rest. I did work on the Den a few times but each way I fixed it, it got messy so fast. That was when I decided that my possessions were beginning to own me and I needed to clear things out. So, this week I sent TONS of stuff to good will (which is of course very close by now, as everything seems to be except Jamba Juice) and TONS of stuff to our apartment dumpster. We’ve got to go clean out the apartment this weekend, since we have to be ‘out’ by the first so I thought we should take advantage of the free garbage while we can. Actually most of it was recycling, but easier to recycle where there’s a big station than in the tiny red tub you get if you live in a house. The mental patient half way house behind us does have a nice recycling station but we’re not sure if we can use it so we don’t put much in there. So, the den is much more empty and can now stay clean with reasonably little effort.
I moved Frances into our room yesterday, so Ephraim has his own room now. I have two reasons for this: one, she has been napping in our room anyway and seems to sleep better with our fan on as white noise (and since she’s more mobile even in her brace I worry about her falling off of our bed) and two, I want Ephraim to gradually say goodbye to her so no more bedroom buddy right now and then later when that seems normal she’ll move out altogether. We got a few things to decorate with for him, and I can’t wait to work on that. I did a tiny bit last night, I bought these glow in the dark stars in his ‘sign’ of Gemini and I put them above his crib. It’s a little iffy as to whether or not he can SEE them that far away, but I’m hopeful. Then we bought these handmade paper elephants to hang on his walls and an elephant sarong to hang on his wall. I think his room is going to be super cute when I’m done.
Last Monday I was really sick and made Angie stay home, then instead of sleeping I spent 6 hours in his room sorting through things and getting rid of stuff. All of the baby stuff I didn’t want I boxed up for Frannie’s mom who will have nothing but the clothes she was arrested in when she gets out of prison (in exactly one month), we told her not to worry about getting things for Frances as we’d take care of that. She’s going to need to furnish an entire apartment so we can at least take care of the baby stuff. Anyway, our room is my last big challenge; I want to spend today on it since I’m in the groove now. Of course, the babies may have other ideas so wish me luck. I say MY last big challenge because that does leave the sun-porch-laundry-room but I talked to the owner last night and I think we’re getting the key to the garage soon, until then that room is sort of stuck in limbo. I did tell Angie she has to do that room (to go with the bathroom that she unpacked and organized) but I realistically don’t expect her to do it since she usually gets too busy in the day to day stuff like doing laundry and dishes, plus when she gets home I like for her to take on the role of main baby slave. So, if I have to choose, I choose sun porch over colicky baby any day!!
We have book group here on Saturday night and I really want the house done by then so that people can see it without the boxes and bags from moving that they saw last month. Our book group has grown from 6 to 12 in this last month. I sort of hope we cap it there because any more people could make it hard for everyone to get a chance to talk. Poor Bethany and Mason have to drive out from Vancouver twice this weekend, once for book group and then tonight as well because it’s Angie’s birthday. I think she just wants to go to a movie (Tomb Raider) and then we got two more vouchers for Eph and Fran and we thought it would be nice to shop without our entourage. We’ll see if she changes her mind though, ‘cause after all it’s her day.
Well, Ephraim has done an excellent job of eating his breakfast alone (and the girls were very obliging to stay sleeping) but now my time’s up and it’s back to mama land. So, have a good day, and a good weekend if I don’t get a chance to write!
I moved Frances into our room yesterday, so Ephraim has his own room now. I have two reasons for this: one, she has been napping in our room anyway and seems to sleep better with our fan on as white noise (and since she’s more mobile even in her brace I worry about her falling off of our bed) and two, I want Ephraim to gradually say goodbye to her so no more bedroom buddy right now and then later when that seems normal she’ll move out altogether. We got a few things to decorate with for him, and I can’t wait to work on that. I did a tiny bit last night, I bought these glow in the dark stars in his ‘sign’ of Gemini and I put them above his crib. It’s a little iffy as to whether or not he can SEE them that far away, but I’m hopeful. Then we bought these handmade paper elephants to hang on his walls and an elephant sarong to hang on his wall. I think his room is going to be super cute when I’m done.
Last Monday I was really sick and made Angie stay home, then instead of sleeping I spent 6 hours in his room sorting through things and getting rid of stuff. All of the baby stuff I didn’t want I boxed up for Frannie’s mom who will have nothing but the clothes she was arrested in when she gets out of prison (in exactly one month), we told her not to worry about getting things for Frances as we’d take care of that. She’s going to need to furnish an entire apartment so we can at least take care of the baby stuff. Anyway, our room is my last big challenge; I want to spend today on it since I’m in the groove now. Of course, the babies may have other ideas so wish me luck. I say MY last big challenge because that does leave the sun-porch-laundry-room but I talked to the owner last night and I think we’re getting the key to the garage soon, until then that room is sort of stuck in limbo. I did tell Angie she has to do that room (to go with the bathroom that she unpacked and organized) but I realistically don’t expect her to do it since she usually gets too busy in the day to day stuff like doing laundry and dishes, plus when she gets home I like for her to take on the role of main baby slave. So, if I have to choose, I choose sun porch over colicky baby any day!!
We have book group here on Saturday night and I really want the house done by then so that people can see it without the boxes and bags from moving that they saw last month. Our book group has grown from 6 to 12 in this last month. I sort of hope we cap it there because any more people could make it hard for everyone to get a chance to talk. Poor Bethany and Mason have to drive out from Vancouver twice this weekend, once for book group and then tonight as well because it’s Angie’s birthday. I think she just wants to go to a movie (Tomb Raider) and then we got two more vouchers for Eph and Fran and we thought it would be nice to shop without our entourage. We’ll see if she changes her mind though, ‘cause after all it’s her day.
Well, Ephraim has done an excellent job of eating his breakfast alone (and the girls were very obliging to stay sleeping) but now my time’s up and it’s back to mama land. So, have a good day, and a good weekend if I don’t get a chance to write!
Thursday, July 24, 2003
Have I told you how beautiful Ephraim is? His is so amazing, I just sit and watch as he does his busy little tasks and marvel at him. It’s really hard to believe that he once grew inside of someone else, because he is so much a part of me I feel as though I have always known him. He has a laugh that goes straight to your soul and could make the most sinister person burst into laughter and beam with delight. He has the biggest eyes, bigger than most adult eyes I think, and they are a clear blue that draws you in and leaves you captivated. It’s funny that those eyes are so beautiful and yet will never work in quite the way they are supposed to, already they are working so much better than we were ever told they would, but still they will never be quite right. It used to matter, but now it has just become a part of who he is and whether or not he will ever drive has ceased to be of any importance. That’s not to say that I have come to any great acceptance of his issues over all, but I guess with his vision I have. Perhaps that’s how acceptance comes, in pieces as needed. I worry about his intellectual capabilities, the fact that his favorite way to play with toys is still to pick them up and drop them on different surfaces can’t be normal right? Maybe it is though, he’s so much more in tune with music than other babies I have known, and maybe this just factors into that some type of genius tone experiment he’s working on. I’m not saying he needs to be a genius, but after spending a few hours with Michelle’s very autistic 5-year-old… well I just hope he’s not that affected because it looks SO hard! Most of the time though, I don’t think about what the future holds for him and I just revel in the delights of today. I guess that’s one of those bittersweet gifts you get from losing a child, but it’s something I think we needed to live with Ephraim without going crazy. Maybe losing Megan prepared us for Ephraim, and for all of the uncertainty that lies ahead for him. I don’t really try to assign meaning to her loss any more, but sometimes it just creeps in and I guess I’m ok with that.
Anyway, it’s after midnight and I should go to bed… I was just watching him sleep and couldn’t help but stop for a second to just revel in the delight he is.
Anyway, it’s after midnight and I should go to bed… I was just watching him sleep and couldn’t help but stop for a second to just revel in the delight he is.
Tuesday, July 22, 2003
Two new things:
First, we’ve found an agency to adopt Ephraim’s sister through. The Heritage Adoption Agency (http://www.heritageadoption.org/domestic/div.html) has a great “diversity” adoption program that you can adopt African American Infants though. It’s about 4,000 so we’re going to save up and then once the girls are gone (yes I did decide not to move Ruby, I think I was just having one of those foster mama attachment crisis) we’ll see about adopting our little girl. We decided that the foster adopt route is heartbreaking, especially since we would like to be finished as foster parents so that…
Number two: (http://170.104.254.22:591/recruit/LEHS1001.HTM)
I can become a caseworker (something I have often thought of doing) but since I would really like to work in THIS county then I am pretty sure I have to wait until we’re no longer certified (I am checking on this though). I do know that one foster mama’s husband works in our county so there may be exceptions. Anyway Angie and I are thinking of each working part time or ¾ time so that we never have to rely on day care but we also both get to work on our life goals more. Sometimes I feel like I am stagnating.
This may sound sudden, but we’ve talked about it off an on for some time now. I’ll let you know what transpires, but it’s been a fun morning playing on the net (who ARE these babies all napping the same time anyway???)
Naptime is once again over,
BYE!!
First, we’ve found an agency to adopt Ephraim’s sister through. The Heritage Adoption Agency (http://www.heritageadoption.org/domestic/div.html) has a great “diversity” adoption program that you can adopt African American Infants though. It’s about 4,000 so we’re going to save up and then once the girls are gone (yes I did decide not to move Ruby, I think I was just having one of those foster mama attachment crisis) we’ll see about adopting our little girl. We decided that the foster adopt route is heartbreaking, especially since we would like to be finished as foster parents so that…
Number two: (http://170.104.254.22:591/recruit/LEHS1001.HTM)
I can become a caseworker (something I have often thought of doing) but since I would really like to work in THIS county then I am pretty sure I have to wait until we’re no longer certified (I am checking on this though). I do know that one foster mama’s husband works in our county so there may be exceptions. Anyway Angie and I are thinking of each working part time or ¾ time so that we never have to rely on day care but we also both get to work on our life goals more. Sometimes I feel like I am stagnating.
This may sound sudden, but we’ve talked about it off an on for some time now. I’ll let you know what transpires, but it’s been a fun morning playing on the net (who ARE these babies all napping the same time anyway???)
Naptime is once again over,
BYE!!
